She wanted dinosaurs. He wanted fire trucks.
When your kid's friend wants to play something different.
· Updated
A note from Nicole
Happy Tuesday.
If you've ever hosted a playdate, you know the moment. Two kids, one rug, a whole bin of toys, and somehow they both need the same afternoon to go two completely different ways.
This week we're joined by Sammi Strahl, LCSW, a child therapist who started BeHive Therapy. She wanted to talk about something that comes up at every playdate: what happens when your kid's friend wants to play something totally different.
This week's story
Ava is four, and she has a plan for every playdate. The plan is dinosaurs.
Her friend Leo came over on Saturday with a plan of his own. He walked in holding a red fire truck and announced, before his shoes were off, that they were going to play fire station.
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Ava held up her T. rex. "We're playing dinosaurs."
"Fire station," said Leo.
"Dinosaurs," said Ava, a little louder.
Ava's mom, Rachel, was in the kitchen cutting apples. She heard the volume go up and kept cutting for a second, because sometimes they work it out. This time Ava stomped in and said Leo was ruining everything.
Rachel went and sat on the rug with them. She didn't pick a side. She asked Leo what happens at a fire station, and he told her, in a lot of detail. She asked Ava what the dinosaurs were doing today, and Ava said they were hungry and also mad.
Then Rachel got the little sand timer from the bathroom, the one they use for tooth brushing. "Two plans," she said. "So we take turns. Leo picks first because he's the guest, and when the sand runs out, Ava picks."
Ava did not love this. She sat with her arms crossed for the whole first round of fire station. Leo drove the truck around her knees.
When the sand ran out, Ava flipped the timer so hard it bounced. Dinosaurs. Leo was a good sport about it for about a minute and a half.
On the third turn something changed. Leo needed something to rescue. Ava looked at the T. rex, and then at the truck, and put the dinosaur on the ladder.
"He's stuck," she said. "He's too big for the fire station."
Leo thought that was the best thing he'd ever heard.
They played dinosaur fire station for forty minutes. Nobody touched the timer again. Rachel finished the apples, and when Leo's dad came to get him, he left the fire truck behind on purpose so the T. rex would have a ride.
Talk soon, Nicole
The practitioner's take
Clinical child therapist, founder of BeHive Therapy
Wanting to play something different from a friend is really common at this age, and it's a normal part of learning to play with other kids. Most young children are still practicing how to share the plan, not just the toys.
Taking turns choosing gives both kids a predictable way to get their idea in. A sand timer or a simple "you pick, then I pick" helps because the rule decides, not the louder kid.
Before stepping in with a solution, try asking each child what their game is about. Kids often find their own way to combine two ideas once they feel heard.
It's okay if one child is disappointed for a minute. You can name it ("you really wanted dinosaurs first") and still keep the turn-taking plan.
How do your kids handle two different plans? Join the discussion →
One little idea
Clinical child therapist, founder of BeHive Therapy
Try "you pick, then I pick."
Before the next playdate, practice it at home. You choose a game for a few minutes, then your child chooses. Use a timer if it helps. When a friend comes over, the rule already feels familiar.
Still figuring it out
Clinical child therapist, founder of BeHive Therapy
The tricky part is knowing when to step in and when to give kids a chance to work things out on their own. Sometimes they need a little adult support, sometimes a break, and sometimes they just want to play separately for a bit. And that's okay! Not every playdate has to mean playing together the entire time.
Recommendations
Clinical child therapist, founder of BeHive Therapy
- ⏱️ Steal this: The 5-second "my turn" game an OT swears teaches toddlers to share. It worked so fast TLC wrote it up. Try it tonight →
- 🎵 Play it before the next playdate: Daniel Tiger's turn-taking song. A fun way to reinforce the idea that everyone gets a turn!
- 📚 Read together: Should I Share My Ice Cream? by Mo Willems. Piggie vs. a melting cone, and every kid gets it (8,498 ratings on Goodreads). A sweet story about sharing, friendship, and thinking about others.
- 🐝 Say hi to Sammi: Follow @behivetherapy for practical play-based strategies and social-emotional tips for young children.
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